First (definite) smile

You gave me a beautiful smile and gurgled a giggle today. This was the first time I was absolutely sure it was not wind. Didn't get a great picture of it but what a beautiful development, son.

Five weeks in

I love being your dad. My routine at the moment involves waking at 7 and changing, feeding and rocking you to sleep before I go to work. When I return, I get to hold you and feed you again, normally. You are so gorgeous and all your little noises (including your tearless bawling) cause me smiles and laughs. I love this time with you and love the idea of being with you as you grow, son.

Ventricular septal defect

Son, there is a hole in your little heart. Blood leaks from one side to the other but the doctor has told us that it is a very small hole and may well close in time without intervention. It was found after we took you into A&E at the hospital where you were born. You had lost too much weight, son.


You are spending your third night in a row in hospital and I miss you and your mum, who is doing the hard work of caring for you while I go to college to teach.

Yesterday when I went in to see you before work, I was deeply affected by the tube going into your nose and the helplessness any parent would feel in seeing your care in the hands of others.

I left Imperial early to spend more time with you (though actually got some sleep after a restless night). They have been providing you with milk through a pump but your mum has now reintroduced the breast and we hope that your feeding will improve.

We are being told that the hole and your weight-loss & consequent dehydration are unrelated. I guess we hope that is the case. It is midnight in our lonely flat. I miss you, son.

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow

You are with your mother in UCLH tonight, because you have lost 11.43% of your bodyweight since you were born, which is more than the "normal" amount of weight loss that many babies experience. When you were being examined, the doctor found a murmur in your heart. You were then X-rayed. Son, we are worried and I feel even worse for having left you and your mother there.

You have alternately disconcerted us by not seeming to poo enough, crying too much and having a smelly belly-button. First-time-parents suffer; it is as much their role as it is yours to shit, scream and not sleep at night. Today our anxiety feels justified: your mother called me just as I left my fourth day at Imperial College and I cycled to the A&E department and met you there. I did not expect to be cycling home alone, son.